Today I wiped a Buzz Lightyear toy down with Clorox bleach wipes. I washed my 5 year old son’s pajamas and special blanket, and put clean sheets on his bed. Tonight I will bath him with antiseptic soap, we will call it “special soap”, and then I’ll put him to bed in his clean pajamas and clean sheets. I’m grateful for this list of to-dos from the surgery center at the children’s hospital. I know they are meant for keeping a sterile environment, but for me it’s something to do with my hands while I try to prepare my head.

Early tomorrow morning before most of you are awake we will head to the hospital where my son will have surgery.

This isn’t new for us. In the last five years my son has been under general anesthesia 7 times for both inpatient and outpatient surgery. You’d think it would be easy by now. But the reality is it’s getting harder. Johnny remembers more, understands more, he’s scared, he needs more preparation, more reassurance, and well, it’s wearing on me. Not preparing for surgery tomorrow. I think that will go fine.

The last five years are wearing on me.