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Johnny turned four today. We had a birthday party for him over the weekend and it was so much fun! He really understands what it means to have a birthday. He knows there's cake and presents, and he knows the song you sing and that you're supposed to wait until it's over to blow out the candles. He's really good at blowing out candles. He has friends and cousins that he likes to play with who came to celebrate with him. It was a beautiful spring day and we all had a great time.
I love celebrating my boy.
But Johnny's birthday is so much more than his birthday.
I can't think about Johnny's birthday without thinking about the two years of infertility we went through before becoming pregnant with him. Or the baby we lost during that time.
I can't celebrate Johnny's birthday without being reminded of the awful week we spent in the NICU after he was born, and the feeling that the ground had given way beneath my feet and I was simply falling with nothing to grab on to.
But I'm not really saddened by these memories. No. I suppose I could be. Instead they are a reminder to me God's grace.
My life can be bleak, and my dreams may appear to be dead. But God is still with me, guiding me, loving me.
I may face something I feared and dreaded and prayed would never happen to me. It may be hard. But I will make it. And there will be new found grace and mercy because of it.
And the thing I thought I absolutely could not handle will actually help me find strength I never knew I possessed.
Actually, it not my strength at all that I will find. It's strength outside of me. The kind of strength that comes from crying heaving sobs in the shower while your baby is taken away in an ambulance and saying "God, I can NOT do this. Help me."
Grace is found there.
When I am weak, then I am strong.
God is there through the good times. But I'm aware of Him more during the hard times.
Because I need Him during the hard times. Grace is always available. But I'm not always looking for it.
Because I need Him during the hard times. Grace is always available. But I'm not always looking for it.
Johnny's birthday is a reminder of God's grace.
Of answered prayer.
Of gratitude.
Of joy.
Of joy.
