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These are the opening lines of a song that has been playing on repeat in my mind over and over again for the past few weeks. The story is somewhat personal, but I think it's something some of you may be able to relate to, so to me, that's a good reason to share.
When I shared my conversion story a couple months ago one of the things I talked about was how before I became Catholic I had relied on praise and worship music and feeling "emotional highs" in my relationship with God. One of the things that was really hard but really good for me to learn as I was entering the Catholic Church was that I could praise God without contemporary music. In fact, I could praise Him with no music at all. I learned that God was active and present in my life regardless of what I might be feeling.
I went about a year without regularly attending a contemporary worship service. I was really settling in to more traditional forms of liturgy, but I still missed having praise and worship music in church. Well, imagine my joy when Alex and I started going to a church that offered a more contemporary mass! And they were looking for people to help with music! We jumped right in and it was such a blessing to sing the praise and worship songs that I had loved for years right along side the ancient Catholic liturgies that I was learning to love. I played piano and sang every week for 3 years until Johnny was born. Having a baby has forced me to cut back my involvement in music ministry a little bit, but I still lead worship for "Emmaus", a night of adoration, confession, and praise and worship that our parish holds once a month. Sometimes I don't feel like going, life is so busy, sometimes I wonder if I should give up this volunteer opportunity as well and just focus on the needs of my family. But I every time get to church and start singing I'm always so glad I get to do it.
All this is back story to something that happened a few weeks ago. It was the third Friday of the month and I was playing for "Emmaus". We were playing a song called "Oceans". We've played it before, and while I love it and think it's a beautiful song it had never really struck me on a personal or spiritual level before. But then we sang these words:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
And I couldn't sing them. Every time I tried I got a huge lump in my throat and my eyes started welling up with tears. I couldn't quite understand what was going on because it had been so long since I had had an emotional experiences during a worship service. I wouldn't say I'm going through spiritual dryness. But I will say that even though I'm seeking the Lord on an (almost) daily basis I don't regularly feel His presence in the way I would like. I know He is present and working in my life, but I don't always feel it. And I know that that's ok.
But in that moment I felt the Holy Spirit working on my heart.
But in that moment I felt the Holy Spirit working on my heart.
Did I mean the words I was singing? "Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander". That's a scary request to make of The Lord. That's essentially asking the Lord to take me to a place where I have no control so that I have to trust in Him. I have been in places like that before. Miscarriage. Two years of infertility. A baby in the NICU plus 4 separate surgeries. I don't like being in those kinds of places. Why on earth would I ask God to take me there again?
Because there "my faith will be made stronger."
Things have been pretty easy around here. No, having a toddler is not always easy, but I know what to expect. I essentially know what each day will bring. I'm pretty comfortable with our routine and I feel like I have things pretty well under control.
Control. That's the key word. I like being in control. But maybe I'm not supposed to be in control. Maybe I need to give up control in my life and surrender to the Lord's will. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I am preparing myself to follow when He calls me out on the water. It's scary when that happens. But I know from experience that being in His will is the best place to be.
Control. That's the key word. I like being in control. But maybe I'm not supposed to be in control. Maybe I need to give up control in my life and surrender to the Lord's will. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I am preparing myself to follow when He calls me out on the water. It's scary when that happens. But I know from experience that being in His will is the best place to be.
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