Dream Come True?

We are having my cousin, his wife, and their kids stay with us this weekend. My cousin-in-law, Bethany, writes so many beautiful and reflective words over at Child of the Church. I was getting all caught up on her blog before they arrive (because I am a terrible blog reader), and I came across this post. And I said, yes, yes, yes. This is what I have been feeling.

When I think back to my college-aged self I can chuckle a little at some of my dreams, to be a performer, classical, or play in a rock band. If that didn't pan out maybe be married to a rock star and be the woman behind the man. Or maybe move to India and be a missionary.

But honestly, I never put much stock in those dreams.  I never even really put much stock in a career. (Can you say, piano performance major?) Because I think I've always known that my dream was to marry a great guy (check), have kids (check), and raise my own little family on my own little piece of land. (check, check).

I'm one of those really lucky people who get live their dream!

But if this is my dream come true, why does it feel so hard? And why am I crabby most days?

I love my husband. I love my baby. I love where we live and the house we live in. I love that we have another baby on the way. My husband did start grad school, and that's been kind of hard. But I love that he's doing something he's excited about and that has great job prospects! We're enjoying good health. It's summer time! Things are good!

But things are still hard. Johnny is still a toddler who sticks his hands in the toilet when I'm trying to put my make-up on. I still don't get to see my husband that much because he has to study all the time. I'm still only one (pregnant) person who can't get done all the knitting projects, house work, yard work, and other things that I would like to get done each day.

Sometimes I feel like my life is stuck on a repeat of meals, diaper changes, bath times and bedtimes. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be doing something else. That's how I feel. But in my heart of hearts I know that I am living my dream.

It's just kind of a hard dream.

On Choosing Joy

We have to choose joy, 
and keep choosing it every day.

Henri J.M. Nouwen

We are two weeks into my husbands grad school program. And we're still adjusting.

He's adjusting to being disciplined, spending every spare minute studying, having less time with our son, and going to bed 2-3 hours after I've turned out the lights.  

I'm adjusting to a lot of solo parenting. I had long days alone when my husband worked a 40-50 hour work week. But I was used to talking to him a lot during the day. And I could look forward to the evenings spent together, enjoying a leisurely dinner, putting our son to bed, and then hanging out after he was asleep.

We've converted part of our walk-in closet into a study space for Alex and when he's home he's mostly up there memorizing every bone, muscle, nerve and artery in the human body.  And I try to keep Johnny out of the way, and resist the temptation to call on him for diaper changes. I try to stave off monotony with play dates, errands, and chores around the house. Johnny loves doing chores. We all have dinner together where we talk about what we've been up to that day. Then Alex hits the books again and I do bath time and bedtime alone. And when Johnny's asleep I hang out by myself.

I will be perfectly honest and say that it's been hard and lonely. And I get a little worried about two and a half years of this. But I have no doubt that this is what Alex is supposed to be doing, and that supporting him is what I'm supposed to be doing.

I never thought for a moment when I said yes to marriage and yes to life that it would be easy. And today is not easy. But we are choosing joy. We have to. 

There is joy in going to bed with tired, aching feet, because it means I've had a day full of activity. 

There is joy in playing with the same toys over and over and over again, and watching my child laugh and develop through it. 

There is joy in the time spent in the kitchen over the stove, because it means I am meeting the physical needs of my family. 

There is joy in letting the to-do lists fall by the wayside, because nothing could be more important than spending my husband's study break watching him sprawled out on the floor with my son in a family wrestling match.

And there is joy in knowing we are where God has placed us, and we are seeking His will.

Everyday is hard. Every day is full. I will make sure that every day is full of joy.

//

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Where's My Village?

Have you seen Call the Midwife yet? I've watched all three season more times than I care to admit here. I love the birth stories, I love the self-sacrificial work of the midwives, and I really love seeing the close knit community of the East End of London.

Sometimes I even feel a little jealous of the women whose stories are told in this BBC mini series. Not jealous of the poverty, crowded living conditions, and shared toilets. But jealous of the community. To step outside and always have another woman to talk to during the day, to always have a extra set of eyes to watch out for your family, to always have other kids for your kids to play with - that's what I get a jealous of.

Motherhood in the 21st century can get a little lonely. As far as I know there are no other stay-at-home moms on my block; I don't think there are even kids younger than high-school-aged.  I often go from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm without interacting with another adult, unless we've gone to Target, but then it's just the check out person who I'm sure doesn't feel like discussing the intricate nuances of baby sleep with me. 

The old adage says that it takes a village to raise a baby and sometimes I wonder, where's my village? 

My village doesn't look the same as it would have in the 1950's. And how could it? Culture has changed so much. 

Sometimes my village looks like this:

Ah, the group texts, it's like your friends are right there with you. A nice way to vent about the nap that never was, a nice way to have a little laugh during the day, a nice way to know you're not the only one doing this right now. 

Or sometimes my village looks like this:

A big part of why I blog is the online community. Reading what other women are going through and thinking about lets me share in their lives and make friends. And hearing feedback on what I write, either in the comments or on Facebook, means a lot to me.  It says I'm not doing this alone.

Sometimes my village looks like my sister coming over to do laundry and then playing with Johnny so that I can put my makeup on in peace.

Sometimes my village looks like my husband taking Johnny for a walk so that I can have alone time to read, or write this blog post! 

Sometimes my village looks like me bringing a meal to girlfriend who just had a baby. Because my village isn't just about people helping me. I'm a part of someone else's village and they need my help just like I need theirs. 

And sometimes my village looks exactly the way I want it to look, four or five girlfriends and their kids and babies all crammed in my house, with noise and mess and chaos. And community. 

This is the hardest kind of village-building to do. Everyone one is so busy, everyone's schedules are so different, sometimes it feels like it's not worth it pack up and put on shoes and buckle car seats and maybe I should just stay home. 

But I say it is worth it. I say that nothing replaces face to face conversations. I say that nothing ministers to a bruised soul like the presence of a true friend. 

And I say all these things because I am at the end of a very long week. I'm over-tired, a little stressed, and a little crabby.  But I got to spend some time with some girlfriends this morning and it made my soul ten times lighter. It was loud and crazy and chaotic, but it was laughing together, sharing stories, sharing motherhood. And that kind of community, that kind of village, makes motherhood feel more doable and more enjoyable. 

So go find your village, wherever it is, whatever it may look like, even if it's takes effort. Because doing motherhood all alone is not how it's meant to be done. We were made for community. We were made first for God, and second for each other. 

//

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Cooking From the Garden: Rhubarb Pie

I got my rhubarb from my parents, who got it from my grandparents, who got it from my granddad's family farm out in Howard Lake, MN. So yeah, there's a history of rhubarb in my family. My grandma says rhubarb tastes best earlier in the season so I'm trying to use mine now.

I love rhubarb pie, not only because of it's prominent place on A Prarie Home Companion, but because I truly enjoy the taste of rhubarb. Strawberry rhubarb pie tends to get all the glory, but I say leave out the strawberries and embrace the tartness, balanced of course with a healthy dollop of whipped cream.

This rhubarb pie is adapted from this Martha Stewart recipe. And I think it turned out pretty great.

You will need a pastry shell.  You can make one or buy a pre-made one, I won't think any less of you.  I used to be a real dunce at making pie crusts, but then I tried the recipe for pastry dough in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking and I have not been let down once.

If you're making your pie crust from scratch, mix it all together and then let it chill in the refrigerator for at least an hour. In the mean time you can go out back and chop your rhubarb, or head to your nearest farmer's market and pick some up.

I distinctly remember rhubarb being very fun to play with as a kid. I think it's a universal thing.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

Discard the leaves of your rhubarb (if they haven't been already), wash the stalks and cut crosswise into small pieces.

Toss the chopped rhubarb with some sugar, vanilla, cardamom, cornstarch, and salt.

Make sure it's evenly coated

Now roll out your pastry dough which has been chilling in the fridge and line your pie plate with it. Then just pour the rhubarb in. Martha uses a crumble topping for her pie which I'm sure is yummy, but I prefer pie crust on top. I had just enough pie dough to do a little lattice. Note to self: in the future, double the pie dough. 

Then, if you want to be fancy, crack an egg into a small dish, add a little splash of water and beat it up for an egg wash. 

Place the pie on a cookie sheet and bake for an hour and 15 minutes.Check halfway through. If the crust is getting too brown cover it with some tinfoil. 

You're going to want to let this cool completely before serving it. Martha even says it tastes best the next day and she is right.  So, if you have the patience it pays off. 

Top with some freshly whipped cream and you are on your way to summer perfection. 

Home Made Rhubarb Pie

You will need:

2 pastry shells

6 cups of rhubarb, washed and chopped into small pieces.

3/4 cups sugar

2 tablespoons cornstarch

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon cardamom

1/2 teaspoon salt

Combine rhubarb with all the other ingredients and toss to coat evenly.  Pour into pie plate lined with prepared pastry shell, and cover with second pastry shell. Slit some holes in the top shell if not doing a lattice top.  Bake for an hour and 15 minutes, or until the filling is bubbling. Cover with tinfoil halfway through if the the crust is getting too brown. Let cool completely before serving.  

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Back to life, back to reality.....

Anyone remember that song? After two weeks of staycation and having Alex home ALL DAY these are the words now running through my head.

We sent Alex off to PA school this morning. It was a little sad to see him go when we had gotten used to him being around during the day, but I am excited for him, too. Alex is one of those people who really loves learning and truly finds things other people may find boring, interesting.  I know he is going to enjoy school, even though it will be hard. And I know when he's done he'll have a career that he enjoys and finds rewarding.

But we had great little staycation.  We got a ton of little house projects done that we normally don't have time to do, including hanging a bunch of shelves, cleaning out the garage, and totally reorganizing our closet. We got to go on a date to our favorite little Vietnamese place. And we started watching Revolution on Netflix. It's from the same creators of Lost (such a love/hate relationship) and it feels very Lost-y. But it's exciting and not too scary for me.  Now that Alex has to study in the evenings I guess I'll have to watch it on my own. 

Johnny turned two! We had a nice "little"gathering of family to celebrate, (our immediate families alone total over 20). Johnny had a juice pouch for the first time and thought it was the bees knees. And I'm realizing that I always stand like this because whenever I do Johnny copies me. I don't usually lean on the wall like that, but I do cross my ankles.

Anyway....

Johnny got a kiddy kitchen. He loves it.  It's happily installed in our kitchen and I'm hoping, hoping, hoping it makes getting things done in the kitchen easier. 

Johnny doesn't like cake (weirdo) so I made him an ice cream cake inspired by something I saw on Pinterest. 

Here's the orignal.

found at kinfolk.com

And mine was not worthy of a photo of it's own, but you can see a little of it in the photo below. Let's just say it rivaled the failed Pinterest attempts you see on buzzfeeds and things of that nature. At least it tasted real good.

Oh, and Johnny can't really blow out candles.

This is what was happening. But he tried so hard.

Last weekend we took a trip to WI with my family for my cousins wedding. In an attempt to be frugal we got two rooms; one for the the boys, my dad, two brothers, Alex and Johnny, and one for the girls, my mom, sister, future sister-in-law, and myself. This meant that I didn't have to worry about Johnny during the night at. all. And my future sister-in-law got to fulfill her dreams of rooming with her fiance's female relatives. Sorry Faith! Actually, she was pretty cool with it. 

Vacationing with family when you have babies/toddlers is the way to go.  There was always someone to watch Johnny or play with him or keep him from flushing the toilet over and over. My dad even took charge of putting Johnny to bed. Major plus. I'd definitely do it again.

It's been a couple years since Alex and I have been to a wedding. And they're not as fun with a toddler as I remember them being without one. Oh well. My dad was there again to do some chasing. And my husband looks slammin in a bow tie. So all in all it was a positive experience. 

//

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7 quick takes vol. 16: iPhone photo dump

linking up wtih Kelly at This Ain't The Lyceum for some quick takes.

We are reaching waaay back to get you all caught up and to give me the opportunity to post some iPhone photos that you otherwise would never get to see.

//1//

On Mother's Day we took the train downtown to the St. Paul Farmer's Market where Johnny picked out some hanging baskets for me. Going to the farmer's market on Mother's Day has become our thing. And getting me hanging baskets for my Mother's Day gift has also become our thing. Every year I try really hard to keep them alive the whole summer and usually make it until August before they are totally dried up, but this year is going to be different. 

We had a blast riding the train. Shamefully it was our first time, even though it's been running for over a year and there is a stop 3 blocks from our house. We didn't even have to pay because I had two free passes that were included with my jury duty summons. Jury duty, the gift that keeps on giving. 

//2//

We've started potty training! Well, only a little.  If you've ever come to our house or spent any time with us at all you will know that Johnny poops A LOT. This is because of all the intestinal surgeries he has had. No joke, it's about 10 poops a day around here.  So we just figured we should get a potty chair and stick him on there a few times a day to try to reduce to number of diaper changes we have to do. It's been great. The first day he went 6 times in the potty chair.  He really likes to sit there and then peek in to see if anything has come out yet.  TMI? Ok, sorry. 

//3//

Also on Mother's Day, we became godparents again! Johnny's godparents, Ian and Jacqui, welcomed little bundle Archie about a month ago, and we were named his godparents. It's just a big circle of godparents around here.

Johnny really doesn't like it when I hold other babies. He has no idea what's coming. 

//4//

My husband is unemployed! It's ok though, we knew it was happening.  Actually, it was intentional. He's going back to school to become a Physician Assistant. His program starts June 1 and he's taking a couple weeks of vacation before he starts. And it has been SO NICE to have him home.  I just have to remind myself not to get too used to it. 

This is what staycation looks like. 

Actually we have a to-do list the size of Texas that we've been trying to get through.  But there's been plenty of lazy time too.

//5//

In related news, Alex started a blog! Yay! Welcome to my world, sweetie! He will be blogging about what's it's like to be in PA school and will also be doing lots a baking projects now that we no longer have the unlimited access to bread that a bakery manager's family is accustomed to. Find him over at The Baking PA.

//6//

Last week Johnny and I went to visit a friend in the hospital. It's the same hospital we go to for speech therapy, and the same hospital where Johnny was in the NICU. While walking to see our friend we passed right by the entrance to the NICU, the very doors we walked in and out of for 9 days while our baby was there. I haven't been back since we left and at first I was feeling kind of nostalgic, but that quickly turned into painful memories and the welling up of eyes. I don't think about it as much as I used to, but I know I will never forget what it was like to have our baby in the NICU. 

But we have come a long way from this:

to this:

//7//

Speaking of Johnny, he is turning into quite the budding photographer.  He takes even more iPhone photos than I do. In fact, hardly a day passes when I don't find something like this on my camera roll.

Here is one of his most recent selfies. He's still got the cheeks. 

And because there is nowhere else to fit it in, here's a picture of Johnny wearing Alex's socks. He loves to wear Alex's socks. I guess they're comfortable?

Have a great weekend!

//

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Girl

A girl! I knew it was a girl, just like I knew with Johnny it was a boy. 

Well, it wasn't just like with Johnny.  With Johnny I had a dream I was having a boy, and after that I just had a very strong sense that it was a boy. With this one there was no dream, but everything felt different, not the symptoms really, but me. I felt different. And I just had a feeling it was a girl.  My sister actually had a dream it was a girl this time around. So now we are both feeling very clairvoyant. 

The ultrasound tech got a face shot of little baby girl. She said cute. I said creepy. 

 Now that it's settling in that we are having a girl I'm realizing that I have no idea what it's like to have a girl. I only know what it's like to have a boy.  Honestly, I'm a little nervous about raising a girl because I know what it's like to be a girl. I know how competitive and mean spirited girls can be.  I know what the media bombards at girls in regards to image. I know the pressures, the worries, and the struggles. It's a scary world for girls.

But I also know that girls can be resilient, and confident. They can be shaped by the Holy Spirit and not by the world. They can see themselves through the eyes of God and not through the eyes of pop culture. They can be leaders, and not followers. This is what I want for my girl. And this is what we will pray for, as well and wisdom in parenting.

Feet! That's better than the face shot. 

//

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Seasons

See! The winter is past;

    the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

    the season of singing has come.

-Song of Songs 2: 11-12

//

The seasons change whether we want them to or not. Sometimes we're longing for change and it feels like it will never come. Other times life is so busy a new season is upon us and we never even noticed the old one depart.

There is so much change going on in our little family right now. I go back and forth between yearning for the next step and feeling that bittersweet tug of wanting everything to stay the same. 

My boy is getting so big. He sleeps in his own bed. He feeds himself. He explores the world around him. He doesn't need me for sustenance or security like he used to. Our days are crazy, but routine and predictability have brought a peacefulness. I can feel us making room in our lives for a change, a new little family member. I'm really enjoying this time with Johnny, and cherishing the calm before the inevitable chaos that having two will bring. 

My teaching year has come to an end. My students and I gave a recital last weekend, the music of which is still running through my head. I said good bye to some students, others I will see again in the fall. Now I can exhale and enjoy a slower paced summer. I'm downsizing my studio in preparation for the new baby. It's been harder and harder to switch back and forth between my mommy brain and my working brain.  I'm feeling more and more that this is the season of my life that should be devoted to motherhood, and I'm ok with letting other things go, for now. 

Our biggest change happened last week. Friday was Alex's last day of work at a company he has been with for 13 years. A very long and significant season of his life is over. He's leaving the job we met at, the job we started dating at. This job saw us through the beginning of our marriage, the purchase of our house and the birth of our son. He's leaving security and familiarity and starting something totally new. This is a new season and a new adventure; one that we're embarking on together.

We went to visit Alex on his last day.

This change was no surprise. In fact it has been three years in the making. Prerequisites, night classes, weekends spent studying, the GRE, grad school applications and interviews, hours and days and months of preparation have all gone into this. It felt like we would be in the season of preparing forever. But now it's over and the next season is here. Two weeks of staycation and then Alex will be a full time PA student. 

We have no idea what that will look like. 

But I know it's what's supposed to happen.

These flowers arrived on our porch Saturday, a token of thanks from Alex's boss.

//

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